I have never seen an ad for a self help book but this is what I imagine they go like

Small talk is fucking weird. Overall I think the weirdest part is how much absolutely no one cares. 

'How was your weekend?' like you give a shit Susan. You're waiting until we're past the polite chatting to talk about your fancy new potholders with the pretty trim and flaunt the fact that your amazingly intelligent little boy has finally gotten himself potty trained two years behind the rest of his class.

I think a lot of people hate small talk because they're selfish. They don't care about you, they don't care about your weekend, they don't care about your dog, they're just assholes going through the motions so they can talk about them and their weekend and their dog. 

And it's not a problem. Everyone knows that small talk is just there so you don't make yourself look like an asshole in public. It's a big old masquerade and no one is interested in seeing below the mask. It's weird, but it's what everyone does.

Or it's just what I do and I'm projecting onto the entirety of the human race. The question that stands then is 'is everyone an asshole or is it just me?'

With the use of my new self help book, 'Get Fucked', you'll never have to worry again about being the only asshole in a world full of polite people who genuinely care about strangers and their weekends! If this sounds like you, feel free to send me thirty bucks and I will guarantee 100% that you will find out that there are other people out there who are just massive assholes*.

*This payment does not mean you will receive a copy of 'Get Fucked: The Self Help Book For Assholes.' You're just paying me money. I promise it'll go to a good cause though**.

**The cause is me. I-I'm the good cause.